Their Fault
by Megami-Shinzui
Summary: Mattie (oc) decides to go visit some people in a place she thinks she may end up in soon...
1. 11th grade sucks

** Their Fault**

**coughs well...this is my first South Park fanfic. I hope I do good with it but just to let all you readers know, Im more of an artist, not much of a writer. Look at my profile to get to my art site   
  
I don't own South Park or any of the characters, except for Mattie and any others I make up....though I wish I owned Kyle and Kenny**

* * *

First week of 11th grade is finally over. I can already sum up in one word how the rest of the year is going to be:: Shitty.  
  
And its all Kyle's fault. I know, how immature to blame my crappy week on him, but, it **IS** that assholes fault.  
And its also Cartman and Kenny's fault. And just to blame everyone in the group, Stan too. Though his is minor I guess.  
Its Cartmans fault for moving over the summer. He left us in the backwoods of America to move to L.A. We thought he was kidding at first when he kept telling us in his joking voice that he was gonna leave us for a better life. But...when we saw his house all packed up a few days later, we started to get worried. And by we, I mean Stan, Kyle and of course myself. Kenny couldn't worry.  
  
Because Kenny's dead.  
  
And that's how my crappy week is Kenny's fault too. Because ever since he died in 10th grade, Kyle never really was the same. Of course, Stan and I never really got over it either, but...I dunno, it just effected Kyle more. He's pretty sensitive about shit like that.  
I can remember how I found out.  
  
It was the middle of December and it was really cold out, so I ran back up to my room to grab an extra sweater before I met the guys at the bus stop. My aunt called my name from the kitchen, I was already late enough, so I ran out the door without thinking.  
  
When I got there, I didn't see any of 'em. So I thought maybe I had missed the bus. But...when one of us misses the bus, the other 4 ditch to see whats up. And I hadn't passed anyone on my way there. So I walked home, not letting it bother me.  
  
I remember walking through the door again to my 3 story colonial style home and yelling for my aunt. She came to the living room through the kitchen and I explained that I had missed my bus and needed a ride to school. But she didn't say anything. She only hugged me and said she was sorry about 100 times...before she told me what happened.  
  
When I first heard her say 'Kenny died', my heart stopped. But of course, my aunt had to be **JOKING** right? I mean, Kenny was only 15 at the time. 15 year old boys don't just....They **die** when their, like, 50.  
  
She took me over to Stan's house, which is only a block away. Kyle and Cartman were already there, as were Kenny's parents. I could hardly look at them, let alone say anything.  
  
The adults all went into the kitchen and left us in the Marsh's living room. I didn't look at any of my friends.  
  
"So...did anyone else get a message from Kenny?" Stan asked in a voice not like his own. Cartman nodded and Kyle didn't say anything. "What do you mean a message?" I had asked.  
Stan pulled out his cell phone and dialed his voicemail before handing it to me. I put it up to my ear and listened.  
  
"Hey Stan, I was just calling to tell you...that I'll see you around sometime, okay?"  
  
And then I heard the sound of the phone being hung up. I slowly handed Stan his phone back, before reaching into my pocket and pulling out my own. It was off.  
The message Kenny left me was short like Stans...but it had an impact on me.  
  
"Hey Mattie, its Kenny. I just wanted to let you know that you mean a lot to me, and I'll miss you."  
  
I don't know how long I had cried for. 

I was also informed on how Kenny had died. Sleeping pills. They had found the empty bottle clutched in one of his hands.  
  
But anyway, I was speaking of the fatass before I got into Kenny's reason. So as I said, that ass just up and moved like it was no big deal. He wasn't sad about it. He didn't say "Hey, I'll miss you guys. Even the Jew". He said "Screw you guys. Im goin to L.A."  
  
I hope he dies from the pollution.  
  
Now, don't get me wrong, Kyle and Cartman had never really been FRIENDS. Or at least they never acted like they were.They had this...hatred for each other. But when Cartman moved, that was just another person out of our happy little group. And, that also affected Kyle more then me and Stan. And after the move, he got a bit more bitchy.  
  
Oh sure, now that he's been gone for a few weeks, I'm starting to miss fat boy. But, I cant help but still be pissed at him for making Kyle more pissy.  
  
We havnt even had a goddamn phone call from him.

* * *

Your probably wondering why Im also blaming Stan. He seems like the kinda person who doesn't piss people off, right?  
  
**WRONG** **  
  
** Stan pissed me off really bad. And I lied. I said his fault was minor, but I was definitely lying. Stan's fault is probably the biggest.  
  
His stupid girlfriends best friend.  
  
I want to kill her. I seriously and truly do. The girl does not....shut...up. _EVER_. End of story. And to top it off, she's whiney and prissy, and apparently better then me.  
  
Ok, I'm happy that Stan has finally gotten a girlfriend who _IS'NT_ Wendy Testaburger. Don't get me wrong, Wendy and me are friends, but...my _GOD_ all they did was argue and stuff. So kudos to Stan for finding someone else. But did she have to come with a parasite?!  
  
This girl not Stans girlfriend, she's ok, Victoria, not Vicky, god forbid, has just suddenly decided that she's allowed in our group. That's not how it works. I have been the only girl in this group.**Ever**. That's how its been since 4th grade, and that's how its going to _STAY_. But Stan doesn't mind. Its his lovers best friend, she's "Cool". And Kyle certainly doesn't mind, because she "Fills in for Kenny". She doesn't crack any Jew jokes on Kyle so he cant say that she fills in for Cartman. But she's not poor either, so how can she fill in for Kenny?!  
  
You probably think I'm jealous, right? I'm not. I'm super pissed because I feel like this girl is replacing me.  
  
And Im sorta getting off topic, arnt I?

* * *

I cant help staring at my hands. Random, eh? But its true. All the scars I have on them just attract my attention, and make bad memories rise to the surface. Memories that my friends helped me lock up. But lately, they've been coming back to me.  
So I just turned 16. Kenny would have been 16 a few days before me. But since he died in December, he never got to see how 'sweet' it is. Strangers used to think Kenny and me were twins because we looked alike. Gemini's. Its funny when I think about it. But there I am off topic _AGAIN._  
  
So I as I was saying, I just turned 16 in June. Life was good for about 6 years. I'll start from the beginning.  
  
My mom died when I was about two, so I don't really remember her. She's buried in New York. My dad tried his hardest to maintain work and watch me grow up. He was only with me until I was six. And then he died too.  
  
The funeral took place in South Park, because this is where my dad had grown up. And my aunt lived here and I was supposed to live with her. My aunt Chloe is the best.  
  
But something happened that shouldn't have, and I still wish it hadn't. My uncle Tony told me that there was a change of plans. I wasn't gonna live with aunt Chloe, I was going to live with him. I was six. I believed him. So he took me back to Rhode Island with him in the middle of the funeral party. I didn't know I wasn't really supposed to live with him.  
  
I like to call my 2 years of living with him, The Hell years. Because that's what it was. Hell. That man would come home drunk every night and beat me just because he felt like it. He used to lock me in the basement with no food for days. Finally, the cops caught on to what he was doing and well...he's in jail now, and I was sent once more to South Park, Colorado to live with aunt Chloe.  
  
The six years after that were wonderful. Kenny, Kyle, Stan and Cartman were the first to talk to me in my new school. And after I joined their group, we were all inseperable.  
  
But times change as you get older. Our happy group of 5 has now been widdled down to 3 due to death and a move. But it seems we will become 2. And that will change everything for the worse.  
  
Stan hasn't really hung out with us the past 2 weeks because of his new girlfriend. I fear he'll leave us for good soon. And that might make Kyle get some new friends. And then I'll be left alone.  
  
And me being alone is not good.

* * *

** phew, I hope that's enough for one chapter. And as I said, Im not much of a writer, so Im sorry if that was really corny and retarded. But review it anyway**


	2. The hell that is headaches

** Their Fault ch 2  
  
Wow, believe it or not, I wasn't gonna write another chapter to this! But my friend told me I should and I should listen to her.  
Also, it got WAY more reviews then I had expected...which was zero. So thanks to the 5 people who reviewed the first chapter! That makes me happy lol  
If this chapter sucks ass, that's because I have a major headache right now but have nothing better to do. So I might write things that don't make sense...no matter how effing lame that sounds.  
  
Disclaimer—I don't own South Park or any of the characters except for those that I make up**

* * *

There was a loud bang on my door. I pressed my face deeper into my pillow and threw the blanket over my head.  
  
"Mattie!! Get up, it's 11 o'clock for Christ's sake!"  
  
I groaned and rolled over under the blanket. I had gone to bed with a headache and now I had woken up with one. These things were getting ridiculous, and more common. And they weren't really...headaches. They were more like eye aches that traveled to the center of my head and started from the bottom of my eyes, as weird as that sounds. **(A.N- I really do get those and they hurt like hell)**  
  
I lay in bed for about 30 seconds before I decided to actually get up. But the minute I sat up, I felt like I was going to puke. So I lay back down and put my arm over my eyes to keep out the evil sun's rays. "This really sucks" I thought. "Im gonna be bored outta my mind today with another eye ache."  
  
When I felt ready to try again, I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Everything was a bit blurry since I had just woken up.  
I yawned and stretched before opening my door and stepping out into the hallway.  
  
I dragged my feet over the carpet and towards the wooden staircase. When I had finally made it down I just stopped on the landing. For no reason. Just to stand there and be stupid. I looked out into the living room before finally moving and went to the kitchen.  
  
My aunt Chloe, and I will sometimes refer to her as just Chloe, AC, or Mom, was in the kitchen pulling out a chicken from the freezer.  
  
"I'll leave you instructions to make this thing, so put it in the oven aroooound... 5ish, ok?" she told me.  
I nodded sleepily.  
  
AC put her hands on her hips. "Mattie, how long are you gonna be doing this?"  
  
I looked at her. "What am I doing?" "Your moping around and acting...depressed."  
  
"I am NOT!!" I huffed.  
  
My aunt grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and wrote down the things I had to do to the chicken for dinner. "Why don't you invite Stan and Kyle over, huh? They havnt been here in a few weeks."  
  
Well dur...ones too busy with his girlfriend and the other is a complete ass that I don't wanna be left alone with.  
  
"Sure. I'll give 'em a call after I eat." I said with a smile.  
  
My aunt smiled back. "Good. Now I gotta go, I'm late for work." She kissed my forehead and ran out the door.  
  
I grabbed a box of Lucky Charms and flopped down on the living room couch. The remote was right next to me so I turned it on and didn't bother to change the channel. I don't even know what the hell I was watching.  
  
I dug my hand in the box and popped some marshmallows in my mouth. Then I looked at the box. Didn't indicate any prize inside, which was a bummer. I flipped it over to the back. There were a few puzzles to solve, that was it.  
What happened to the days when cereal gave prizes out instead of making kids think of where the 2 blue moons were hiding in the damn picture?  
  
I sighed and placed the box down on the floor, then I rubbed my eyes to make the pain go away.  
Speaking of which... I had to take my medicine.  
  
I got up and walked over to the kitchen again and pulled it off the shelf. Must take 2 everyday with plenty of water. They were supposed to make my headaches go away, but ever since I got these stupid pills, they've become more frequent.  
  
I was about to open the bottle when I heard the doorbell, so I put it down on the counter and walked to the front door.  
  
"Still dressed in your PJ's Mattie?" Stan asked in a humorous voice. 

"Up yours, Stan."

"Damn, what crawled up YOUR ass and died?" he asked.  
  
I rubbed my eyes again. "Sorry..."  
  
I stepped away from the door so he could come in. "Another headache?"  
  
I nodded. "That obvious?"  
He shrugged. "Its really the only time you get in a bad mood."  
  
We walked into the living room and I sat back down on the couch while he took his usual place in the recliner.  
  
"Where's Tammy?" I asked, referring to his girlfriend.  
  
"She had to go to Virginia to visit her grandparents." He sighed.  
  
Who cares? Oh, not me.

"Im surprised Victoria isn't hanging all over you right now. She's always with you guys." I told him.  
  
"Well she's hanging out with Kyle and everyone down by the pond. That's actually why I came. To see why you weren't there."  
  
Well shit...someone noticed. What does he win Jonny?!  
  
"I have to take my medicine." I mumbled.  
I got up from my spot and Stan followed me into the kitchen.  
  
"Medicine, eh? Its about time they put you on something Mattie."  
  
"Screw you, Stan." I said with a small smile. This is what I miss.  
  
I took the bottle from the counter and tried to twist the stupid child proof lock off it. No luck.  
I held it out for Stan and he took it with a chuckle.  
  
"You are such a blonde."

"Well it took you long enough to notice."  
  
He handed it back to me and I took out a small blue pill. "What's it for anyway?" He asked.  
  
I grabbed a cup and filled it with water. "My headaches." I shoved the pill in my mouth and gulped down the glass of water.  
  
"It doesn't seem like its working though."

"Oh, really? Thanks for that update, Einstein. I'll log that away."  
  
We walked back into the living room and I sat back down on the couch.  
  
"So are you gonna come?" Stan asked.  
I shrugged. "Maybe."  
  
He sat down next to me and we didn't say anything for a minute.  
  
"You know," he said "Kyle seems to think your mad at us."  
  
I shrugged again. "Cant even **dream** why he would think THAT, Stan." I said.  
  
He didn't catch my sarcasm. "Me either. You don't seem mad. Are you?"  
  
I shook my head. But inside I was screaming "_YES ASSHOLE!! I AM!! IM REALLY REALLY MAD_!"  
  
"Good. Then get dressed and grab your skates."

"But I don't waaaaannaaaaa." I whined.  
  
Stan stood up and grabbed my arms. "Then Im dragging you upstairs."  
  
He yanked me off the couch and started to drag me towards the wooden staircase. That would hurt...  
  
"Ok!! Ok!! Ill go, jeez, no need to get all violent on me." I laughed as I stood up. Then I swayed a bit as my headache kindly reminded me that it was still present and fun was not allowed.  
  
"Alright, I'll wait down here. But don't fall asleep in your bed."  
  
"Yeah yeah,"

* * *

Starks Pond was full of its normal visitors. Teenagers filled just about every spot of the pond as usual. Ever since elementary school, we had claimed this pond as ours.  
  
Half way to the pond, Stan asked if had still had my headache. I told him no, and I was clearly lying.  
It was worse then before and I felt like I was going to pass out. Which I have done before from these things...  
  
"Finally, Stan, it took you long enough!"  
  
Kyle skidded to a stop at the edge of the pond and sprayed me and Stan with a bit of ice. Victoria came up behind him and grabbed his arm for support.  
  
"Hi, Stan!" she said in a breathless voice. And then she looked at me. "Well look who came out of her hole."  
  
"And now she's going back to it." I said, turning around. Stan grabbed my arm. 

"We were just gonna play ice hockey, you wanna play, Stan?" Victoria asked.

"Dude, we can kick Token's ass if you play, c'mon!" Kyle pleaded.

"Sure! You in Mattie?" Stan asked.

"She doesn't wanna play, Stan, she'd rather sit and mope around!" Victoria giggled.

I glared at her. "Thanks, Prisserella, but I can answer for myself." I snapped. "But no, I don't want to play."

"I thought you said you were feeling better." Stan said.

"She was sick?" Kyle thought outloud.  
Yeah, sick of you guys.

"No she had a headache before."

"I'm fine, Stan...I just...don't feel like."  
  
Stan just shrugged and sat down to put on his skates. I walked a few feet away to sit on the bench. I rubbed my eyes again to make the intense pain go away.  
But then an even bigger pain came my way. "Pip, please, just...go away." I said in an annoyed voice.  
  
Well, don't get me wrong (jeez I say that a lot....) I don't dislike Pip, like most of the other kids, I can tolerate him. But he gets annoying sometimes. And when I have a headache, annoyances piss me off!  
  
"Is this seat taken, Mattie?" he asked in his British accent.

"God, Pip, no. But can you leave anyway?"

"I thought we could have a nice chat."  
I slumped in the bench and rubbed my eyes again as he sat down. "Ugh, fine Pip, seeing as you probably wont leave until you've had your 'nice chat'."  
He smiled. "I noticed that you and your two friends havnt had much to do with each other in the past few weeks. May I ask why?"  
Kid's lived in the freakin U.S since 3rd grade, you think he'd stop being so damn polite.  
I sighed. "Oooh great observation Pip. Your probably not the only one who's freakin noticed."  
  
"But I _AM_ the only one who's had the balls to come up and ask you, am I right?"  
I thought. And...that was true. "Yeah. You are."  
  
"Anything you want to get off your chest?" he asked.  
I thought again. "Their assholes?"

"Good start...anything else?"

"...their...super assholes?" Pip looked at me.

"Anything else besides them being assholes?"

"What are you, Pip, some sort of therapist?"

"I'd like to be one."

"Hmm...well...aside from them being assholes, I guess...I feel sort of left out."  
  
And so, I told Pip how I was feeling. And the guy actually listened. I mean, jeez you don't find many like him.  
  
"The only way for you to stop feeling like this, like your being left out, is to tell Stan and Kyle how you are feeling right now." He told me.

"I cant just...**TELL** them how I feel. That's not like me at all. Pip, if you havnt noticed yet, I'm not a normal girl. Other girls can just come out and **SAY** what they feel. I cant! I have to keep it bottled up and tucked away inside. That's how I was brought up. Sort of... But since all I did as a kid was hang out with those guys, I learned to _ACT_ like them too. And this is how guys act. They keep it bottled up and they don't cry over stupid shit."

Pip was quiet for a second.

"But, Mattie, you're a girl. So you don't need to act like a boy. Your allowed to let go of your emotions and such, you wont get made fun of. Its natural for a girl to cry and talk about how she feels."

"Hellllllo, earth to Pip! Didn't I just say that Im **NOT** a normal girl?! Where you listening to that part?!" I seethed.  
  
Pip stood up. "Just take my advice. Tell them how you feel."  
And he walked away. Hah...tell them how I feel. And have them LAUGH at me? I know Stan and Kyle all too well, and they'll laugh at me if I try to talk about my feelings. They think I'm one of the guys. Everyone does. Besides a sleepover that Wendy invited me to in 5th grade, I've never had a girlish sleepover.

I've never stayed up in my PJ's with a bunch of giggling girls talking about who was the cutest guy in school, I didn't paint my nails a flashy pink, I didn't watch sappy romance movies, I didn't play Truth, I didn't listen to Backstreet Boys or N'SYNC, I didn't have pillow fights with big fluffy pillows.  
Instead...I stayed up in my friends boxers and a flannel shirt with 4 boys talking about the best sports players in school, I played video games, I watched action and horror movies, I played Dare, I listened to rock bands, I wrestled in the middle of blankets and pillows.  
And now, I feel like a gay guy inside a girls body...since I still have crushes on guys and all...  
I am so pathetic...

* * *

** urg my left arm is killing me... Anyway, this SEEMS like a long chapter, but then again, it looks long in Word, and ends up shorter on this site   
  
Anyway, how'd you like it? I sure do enjoy torturing Mattie, its much fun!! Having to talk to Pip and all...lol And that stupid Prisserella...  
  
So R&R this chapter!! Im probably typing the 3rd one pretty soon!! Since Im in the fanfiction mood at the moment**


	3. Angst Fight XD

** Their Fault**

**Hah...well...this chapter is just being made up as it goes along. I didn't even bother to plan this one out, but I was in the mood to write some more.**

**To some of my reviewers::**

**XxXCocoPuffXxX – Im glad you like my fic! Makes me happy lol**

**NeonNights – good to hear that it doesn't suck! I think I might do some art for this story and post it up on my site, since I still think my art rawks more then my writing abilitys lol**

**SnuffSnuff - Yeah, it IS a rather angst ridden fic...which is what I was aiming for lol Ive never really done an angst fic before but its been fun so far! And yes...it will be updated often**

**Onward with the fic!!**

**Disclaimer – I don't own South Park or any of the characters except for whoever I make up**

* * *

"Stupid Pip..." I mumbled.

I brought my knees up to my chest and let the tips of my shoes dangle over the edge of the bench. I shivered as a gust of wind blew by me.

_ Should_ I tell Stan and Kyle how I feel about that bitch replacing me? I should...but I'm not going to.

I watched as Craig slapped the puck across the frozen pond towards the goal, but Kyle stopped it in time and smacked it back.

I sighed. I really did want to play. But not with that bitch around. She cant even hold a hockey stick right!!! Urrrrgh!!! (**A.N I know nothing about hockey == lol**)

I turned away from the game, the site of her acting like an idiot disgusted me. I kept blinking and rubbing my eyes. They had started to water, which was common for me. But when I'm out in public and it happens, people think I'm crying. I don't cry.

Out on the ice, I heard a whistle blow, signaling that the game was over. That was a fast one.

It was about 10 minutes before Stan, Kyle and an unwanted parasite came over to my bench.

"Dude, I still can't believe we got our ass' kicked." Kyle said

"Heh, that's cause _someone_ doesn't know how to hit a hockey puck." Stan teased.

"Aw, c'mon you two!" Victoria giggled. "Don't blame it _all_ on my bad aim!"

"Ok, we'll blame part of it on your bad aim, and the other part on your ability to not know which goal is which." laughed Kyle.

"What the hell are you crying about now, Mattie?" Victoria asked in a sneering voice.

"Yeah, what's up?"

I blinked and felt the wet tears fall from my eyes.

"I'm not crying."

"Yeah, that's why you have tears streaming down your face, right?" Kyle said still laughing.

I frowned.

"Fuck you."

"C'mon guys, I think we should leave the baby alone." Victoria said, grabbing Kyle's hand and dragging him away.

"How come _your_ not leaving?" I said angrily to Stan.

"Cause I wanna know what's wrong." He said, sitting down next to me.

"Jesus tap dancing Christ! There's _nothing_ wrong with me! Why does everyone think there is?! First my aunt, and now you guys!"

He was silent for a minute.

"Do you still have your headache?"

"No."

"Your lying." He said.

"No I'm not!"

"Mattie, you might not realize it, but whenever you lie, you bite your lip. That's why you don't get away with anything." Stan pointed out.

I stopped biting it.

"So what? Big fucking deal, I have a headache. Is that a crime?" I said as my eyes continued to water.

I rubbed them.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm not. My eyes water when I get a headache. There's nothing I can do about it, but wait until it goes away." I mumbled while I closed my eyes.

Stan patted my head.

"Do you want me to take you home?" he asked. I think he felt bad for making me come when he knew I wasn't feeling good.

I nodded and we stood up.

Just as we started to walk away, Kyle came running up.

"Where you guys goin?"

"I'm taking Mattie home, she still has a headache."

"I thought you said it went away." Kyle said, turning to me.

I shrugged. "Well, I lied."

"I'll come with you guys!"

That surprised me a bit...that he didn't want to stay here with Victoria.

"Ok."

So it was just the 3 of us again, walking to my house. It should have felt good. But it didn't. This is what I wanted. I didn't want Victoria around, hanging all over my best friends. I just wanted it to be the 3 of us, like old times.

But...it was never the 3 of us...it was always the 5 of us...

I felt my eyes water again, and the tears slid down my face. Either Kyle and Stan didn't notice, or they just figured my eyes were watering again.

But this time I really was crying.

When we got to my house, Kyle and Stan followed me inside. All I did was grab the blanket hanging off the couch and flopped down with it on me. I curled myself up and sighed.

My nose felt numb and I sniffled. Was it from the cold outside, or was I getting sick?

Kyle slipped a glove off his hand and felt my forehead.

"She has a fever."

I weakly pushed his hand away. "Whoopee..."

Stan sat down in the recliner and Kyle sat next to me.

"Do you want anything?" Stan asked.

A better life?

Why am I so angsty?

"No..."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Was I really running a fever? I felt my beanie being slipped off my head and felt Kyle's fingers in my hair.

Why was I letting him even _sit_ near me? I was so pissed at him! What the fuck is wrong with me?

But for some reason, I didn't tell him to stop. It felt nice to have someone stroke my hair like that again.

I fell asleep soon after.

* * *

I woke up to dark house. I slowly sat up and stretched. My headache had finally disappeared and there was no telling when the next one would show up.

I glanced at the VCR for the time:: 3 AM

Wow...I slept along time.

I got up and walked to the kitchen, the chicken still out on the counter.

"Shit."

It was totally defrosted and there was water all over the table from it.

I picked it up and shoved it back in the freezer. I'd make it tomarrow.

I grabbed a glass from the cabinet and filled it up with water before trudging upstairs.

I opened my aunts door to check to see if she was asleep yet. But her room was empty.

Next to her bed on the dresser, the answering machine flashed red.

I walked in and pressed button.

"I don't know where you are, Mattie, but don't bother to make that chicken tonight. This stupid shoot is going to take longer then planned. I have to spend the next few nights here, you can order out till I get home. Love you, talk to you later."

I sighed as the message ended. I hated my aunt's job sometimes. She was a model and had to go to shoots often.

As a kid I would have to spend days at either Kyle or Stan's house since I was afraid Cartman would eat me if I stayed at his, and Kenny was too poor.

I decided to be lazy and instead of walking across the hall to my own room, I ripped back the cover of my aunts bed, and decided to sleep there instead since I was still really tired.

I jumped when the phone rang and brought me out of my sleep. It was loud and right next to my ear...

I reached out, picked it up and slammed it back down.

Serves them right for waking me up. I put my head back on the pillow and drew the blankets up closer to my chin. It was only October, but here in South Park, it's cold all the time.

But the phone rang again. I growled into the pillow before picking it up on the 3rd ring.

"Hello?" I said in a groggy voice.

"Hello, Mattie dear, its Mrs. Marsh."

Oops...

"Hi Mrs. Marsh."

"Are you alright?"

I took the phone away from my ear and looked at it in a funny way.

"Um, yeah. Why?"

"Well, Stanley told me that you were running a fever yesterday, and your aunt called me from Nevada last night and asked me to check up on you until she gets home."

"Oh. Well, yeah, I'm fine."

"Alrighty then, I'll talk to you later. Good bye."

"Bye Mrs. Marsh."

I hung the phone up and shoved my head back on to the pillow. I let out a rather loud cough and pulled the blanket over my head.

When my coughing fit had subsided a bit, I decided to take my medicine. So I got up and forced myself down the stairs.

In the kitchen, I grabbed another glass and filled it once more with water and grabbed my pills.

The doorbell rang.

"Jesus Christ..."

Bringing my pills with me, I shuffled to the front door and flung it open.

"Mornin'!"

"Why the _fuck_ are you always so chipper in the morning?"

"Dunno!" Stan said as he walked into the heated house. "Why you always so grouchy?"

"Dunno. Here open these" I said tossing him the bottle.

"Jeez, your retarded." He told me as he easily opened it and handed the bottle back to me.

I took out a pill and popped it in my mouth.

"What are you happy about anyway?" I asked.

"Tammy's coming back early." He said with a big smile.

I rolled my eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothin'."

"Then why'd you roll your eyes?"

"Because...I can? Free country, dumbass."

"Do you have a problem with Tammy or something?" he asked me.

"No, but I have a problem with her parasite."

"You mean Vicky?"

I glared at him.

"No, I mean Victoria."

"Dude, there's nothing wrong with her you know." Stan stated as he once more took his rightful place in the recliner.

I sat down on the couch. "Yes there is."

"No there isn't. You gotta give her a chance. She's really a great person."

"Stan, have you noticed the way she treats me?" I asked in a serious voice.

"Dude, she's just kidding." He said, waving his hand back and forth. "That's just the way she is."

I looked away.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Yeah, what?"

Pip, I swear to God, if he laughs, I'm gonna stick you right in the goddamn mouth.

"I'm gonna be honest, Stan." I said, taking a deep breath. "I...I er."

"What is it?"

"I feel hurt."

"..."

I glanced over at Stan, but I couldn't read his face.

"And...and replaced."

"..."

"Jesus Christ Stan! Say something!" I yelled as I stood up and put my hands on my hips.

He snorted. He was trying to hold a laugh in!

"Why are you laughing?!?!"

"I...I'm not" he said.

But he snorted again. And then he let go, and just started to laugh.

"Its not funny goddamn it!!!"

"Y-yes it is!!"

I glared at Stan, and after a minute he stopped laughing.

"Sorry." He said, wiping his eyes. "Its just...I never thought you could actually feel anything."

I gaped at him.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No."

"Stan, that's the most heartless thing you've ever said to me. You have no idea how much you just sounded like Cartman!!" I told him in an icy voice.

"Don't compare me to that dick." He said.

"Well why not huh? I shouldn't feel bad about it. I mean, I don't actually feel anything, right? Didn't you just say that?"

Stan stood up and faced me.

"What the hell is your problem, Mattie?! All I did was laugh!"

"What the hell is **YOUR ** problem?! I was trying to talk to you, tell you how I feel. I thought I could tell you anything because you're my friend!"

"Well...maybe you thought wrong!!"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that maybe I don't wanna be your friend anymore!"

"Jesus, Stan, what are you? 4?! You don't want to be my friend because I was trying to tell you how I felt for once?"

"No. I don't want to be your friend because you're a bitch."

I stared at him.

"I am **not** a bitch."

"Yes you are! Ever since Kenny died and Cartman moved, you...your so freakin bitchy and grouchy! Kyle and I cant stand it anymore! You don't think anyones good enough for you, every one is below your level! You don't want to do anything but sit in front of your TV and complain about eyeaches! Get out and do something for once! It been hell for us to see you like this, but we just cant take it Mattie! We feel like you hate us." he yelled.

I closed my eyes.

When I opened them, I looked down at my scarred hands.

"Hell, Stan? You'll never know what hell is like!!! And while we're on the topic of feeling hate, I'd like to put my word in on that! I don't hate you or Kyle, but I must admit, I _am_ rather annoyed with you two at the time being! But hate? No. That emotion belongs to Victoria! You don't know what its like to not have any friends for 8 years and then finally gain some to suddenly loose them!

"I lost Kenny to death, Cartman to California, you to your girlfriend and I'm loosing Kyle to Victoria! I know I couldn't stop death from taking Kenny, or stop Cartman from moving, but you and Kyle are all I have left, and I feel like your leaving me for 2 girls you just met a few months ago!"

By this time I was in tears. I don't cry...

"As for my eye aches, I cant stop them! I have no control over them! So I cant help the fact that I get them so often that I cant go outside. But the least you and Kyle could do is come visit me while I'm sick!"

"What the hell do you think I've been doing, huh, Mattie? I've been coming over everyday this week to see you!" Stan yelled back.

"Yeah, Stan. This _WEEK_. What about last week? Or last weekend? How about the week before that when I was sick? Where were you then? Oh, lets try with Tammy!"

"She's my girlfriend! Whats your point?!"

"You only make time for me when shes not around! That's my point! And Kyle hasn't come over at all in the past few weeks, except for yesterday when you guys walked me home."

"I don't need this shit Mattie." Stan said. He walked towards the door.

"This isn't shit Stan, its freakin serious!!"

"No, Mattie. It really isn't."

He slammed the door.

I dropped down on the couch, and rubbed my throat. It was sore from screaming.

How could he say that to me? Im not a bitch... am I?

I shook my head. No! I'm not! I have every right to be mad. Im not gonna let that bother me.

I didn't want to think about it. It wasnt even noon yet.

I laid on the couch, and fell asleep.

* * *

Aw, what a fun chapter Mattie and Stan got in their first major fight. I think I made Mattie a bit toooooo angsty in this ch... ah well.


	4. A broken home and a broken heart

** Their Fault**

**I know that Mattie's main rival is Victoria, and she hasn't really been in any of the ch's yet, but she will soon**

**Disclaimer – I don't own South Park or the characters, unless I made them up**

* * *

My own scream woke me up.

I sat up so fast that my head spun. I was breathing really hard too.

What a nightmare...

My hands were throbbing, so I rubbed them. Why was I dreaming about that? Well, more like reliving, since a dream is actually a fragment of your imagination while you sleep. I would never imagine THAT.

I shivered just thinking about it. About the way my uncle had disabled my hands for almost a month...

Why did I dream that? It took me so long to get rid of those memories...and now...why?

The clock said 2:15. For someone who sleeps a lot, I sure am tired. But I wasn't about to go back to sleep. Not after that.

A pipe banged in the basement and I jumped. Now I was paranoid. I wont sleep until my aunt gets home in a few days. I wont be able to after that.

I suddenly started to cough. You know, those painful coughs that make you gag and make your eyes water? One of those.

I walked to the kitchen for a glass of water. But when I drank it, I coughed again, which made me choke on it. And that made the cough even worse.

The doorbell rang for the second time today.

I wiped my eyes while still coughing and went to open it.

Kyle stood there with a pissed expression.

"Wha-"

I couldn't finish my sentence because I started to cough again and my eyes teared up. So I stepped aside to let him in.

"We're going for a walk" he said without looking at me.

"Who's we?" I asked in a wheezy voice.

"We. You and me."

"Im not dressed." I was still in my pj's.

"So go _get_ dressed."

I had half a mind to kick him out of my house for the way he was talking to me.

I walked over to the stairs and put my hand on the railing. But I didn't go up. I just stared upstairs.

"Arnt you going?"

"I....I..."

I couldn't! I was afraid. What if he was waiting upstairs for me?! Or hiding...waiting to push me down?

What was I thinking? My uncle was in prison in Rhode Island!

But still...

I walked up the steps slowly and into my room.

I checked under my bed, in my bathroom, in the closet, any place that someone could hide in.

When I was done, I put on my Elroy Jetson shirt and pants, and threw on my sweater and beanie last. I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth fast before throwing on my shoes and walking back down.

Kyle was waiting at the door.

"Lets go."

We walked out into the cold snow. Yeah, snow in October. Which is why we don't have school today.

We walked down my street in silence. For a snow day, there weren't that many people outside.

When we got to the center of town, it was a bit noisier and busier, which made me relieved because it was creepy walking in silence with Kyle.

We took the path that led to Starks Pond. But no one was there. Normally the place was packed with people, but today, it was empty.

"Sit." He ordered, pointing to a bench.

I obeyed and sat.

Kyle started to yell at me, which freaked me out, since I've only seen Kyle yet at Cartman the way he was yelling at me.

He was saying how upset Stan was about our fight, and how upset Vicky got because Stan said I hated her. He was upset because of what I had said too, and he wasn't in a good mood with me and I had no right to get mad about anything and he was saying just about everything Stan had told me.

"So I don't know what to do Mattie! Your just being so difficult lately and its really getting old!!" he yelled.

I looked down. I didn't know what to say! Well...I did. But I'm sure what ever I said, would just make things worse for me.

Suddenly, Kyle threw his hands up and I let out a small scream and covered my face, waiting for the smack.

"M-Mattie...did you think I was gonna hit you?" I heard him ask me in a whisper.

I uncovered my face slowly and saw Kyle kneel down in front of me.

"Did you?"

He put his gloved hand on my bare one and felt me shaking.

I stared at him and he stared at me for a minute, before I pushed him away, got up, and ran.

I didn't go straight home. Instead I wandered around outside of town for a while to think. Why had I thought Kyle would hit me? He had no reason...and he wouldn't do it anyway, I think. He wasn't like that. But the dream had been fresh in my mind and...thinking about that made me think he was about to hit me when he threw his hands up.

I stopped myself from crying. I had been doing it to much lately, and there was no need for it! My nose was runny and numb, my throat hurt and my eyes were all teary.

It had started to snow a bit hard since I was with Kyle, and it was much colder out and I didn't have my gloves with me. Up ahead, not too far, I saw the old abandoned gas station. Id stay there until the snow let up.

But as I got closer to it, I became more scared. It was dark and creepy...like my uncles basement...

I was right outside of it. The wind blew rather hard and I shivered as it went through my thin sweater.

Maybe I'd just go home...

I was on the sidewalk, staring up at my bed room window. It was dark out now, and my light was on. I was scared shitless.

My aunt's car wasn't in the driveway, so she couldn't have been home. So who the hell was in my house? And why my room?

I was not about to go inside that house alone, but it was dark and cold outside. I was scared to go to Kyle's, and I was still mad at Stan.

So I shoved my hands in the big pocket of my sweater and sat down on the snowy sidewalk, waiting for anyone I knew to come by.

Almost forty minutes later, I saw someone walking down the street.

It was Wendy.

I stood up as she came closer.

"Hey." I said.

"Hey Mattie." She smiled. "Why are you outside?"

I coughed. "Er, this might sound retarded, but I'm scared to go in my house."

Wendy looked at me.

"Why?"

"Well, I left this afternoon with Kyle and when I came back a while ago, I saw that my bedroom light was on when I never even had it on today. So I'm afraid someones in my house."

Wendy laughed in her girlish way.

"I never thought you'd be scared of anything, Mattie."

"Pfft, same here."

Wendy looked up at my house and patted me on the back.

"I'll go in with you! It'll be just like a scary movie!"

"Ooh, yay."

So Wendy and I walked up the front steps and into my house. It was pitch black inside. I clung to Wendy's arm and let out a short scream when I heard a pipe bang in the wall.

"Aw cmon Mattie! There's nothing in here!" she said in a laughing voice.

I felt the wall for the switch and turned the light on.

Wendy gasped and I stood there wide eyed.

The living room was a mess. The recliner chair was tipped over, the glass table had a big crack in the middle, pots of plants were dumped all over the rug, papers littered the ground, picture frames were broken and the glass littered the floor. But the thing that upset me the most was the picture of my parents and me... The frame was shattered, and their faces had been drawn on and my face had a hole in it.

I picked up the picture and walked into the kitchen.

It was almost like the living room.  
Pots and pans littered the floor, food was tossed out of the pantry and cabinets, cups were knocked out, dishes were all over the counter, the sink was running and over flowing onto the floor, and the fridge and freezer were wide open.

Wendy was right behind me.

"Heh...a-a little _too_ much like a scary movie, eh Wendy?" I said in a shaky voice.

"Y-yeah...should we still check upstairs?"

I thought.

"Im afraid to see how bad my room is..."

So Wendy and I got the courage to trudge up the stairs together.  
When we got to the top, we saw the window at the end of the hall wide open and snow was falling onto the carpet. We walked down the hall and I closed it.

"Lets check my aunts room first."

I opened the door and flicked on the light.

It wasn't as bad as downstairs. Her sheets and covers were ripped off and in a pile on the floor, her clothes were thrown all over the room, some of her perfume was spilt on the dresser and her make-up case was dumped upside down.

"My aunt is gonna have a shit fit when she hears about this..." I told Wendy, as we walked out and closed the door.

My door was already open and we could see inside it.

"Wow..."

Nothing in my room had been touched. Except for my light and window, which was wide open too.

That made me shiver. The intruder had entered the house from my room by using the tree I used to use to sneak out every night.

"Mattie...lookit this picture." Wendy said, handing it to me.

What I got was 3 pieces of paper.

Kenny and Cartman weren't cut off from each other, but their faces had been scribbled out. Stan and Kyle were pasted together, the picture was still sticky, but there was nothing wrong with them. My picture had a big black X across it.

Wendy and I walked out of my house and I locked the door behind me.

"Well, I'm glad I didn't go in there alone." I said.

Wendy faked a smile. "I'll help you clean up tomorrow."

I nodded.

We walked down the steps, not looking straight ahead.

I slammed into someone halfway down the driveway. When I looked up, I saw Kyle looking down at me.

I let out a small whimper and backed away. Wendy looked at us.

"Mattie...I..." Kyle stopped when he saw Wendy.

"What are you doing here?" he asked her.

"Im allowed to be here!" she said in a huffy voice.

"C'mon Wendy. Lets go." I said, grabbing her arm and pulling her down the drive way.

"Mattie! Holy shit, would you just talk to me?!" Kyle said, running up to us.

I ignored him.

"Why are you so pissed at me? I didn't even touch you!"

"Whats he talking about?" Wendy asked me.

"Nothing..."

"Why didn't you answer when I knocked on your door earlier? You were home, so don't say you weren't."

"I _wasn't_ home!" I told him.

"Your light was on, and I could hear music! I know your aunt isn't home, so it had to have been you!"

I turned around to face Kyle.

"I wasn't home!! I would know if I was, don't you think?! There are such things as burglars you know! Maybe my house was broken into and they were havin a great time destroying my house while listening to music!"

I stomped away, leaving Wendy with Kyle.

"Whats up ** her** ass?"

Wendy sighed.

"Her house was broken into. Shes just upset. She's coming to my house, and we have to call the police..."

"Well why didn't she just say that??" Kyle asked her.

"She...did."

Wendy ran back up to me and we left Kyle standing in the street.

* * *

I slammed the phone down in Wendy's room.

"Fucking assholes!"

"Whats wrong?" she asked while flipping a page in her magazine. 

"Those doughnut eating assholes think I was kidding! They laughed at me when I told them about my house!!!"

"So what should we do?"

I thought.

"Well, I cant tell my aunt. She's not answering her hotel or cell phone. So I guess I'll just clean up tomorrow and try to replace what I can..."

I sighed and rubbed my eyes, which hurt again.

"Wendy, can you toss me my bag?"

She leaned over and threw it at me.

I dug out my pills and after much struggling, got the child proof lock to open.

"What are those for?" she asked.

"My eye aches." I told her as I popped 3 in my mouth.

"You need 3 pills for a head ache?"

"Eye ache. And yeah, my doctor said that the more I take, the more effective it is. But it doesn't seem to work for me. I just get worse ones."

"So don't you think you should stop taking them? I mean, maybe your immune to em, or your allergic to the ingredients. That could be why they don't help much."

I was about to answer, but I started to cough really hard.

"Woah, you ok?!"

I pulled my hand away from my mouth and stared at it.

"Mattie!"

I wiped my mouth with my sleeve to get the blood off.

"T-that's never happened before..."

"Oh my gosh! Are you ok?!"

I coughed again and got more blood on my hand.

"I-I feel fine."

"Mattie, I can get my mom to drive you to the hospital! Cmon!" Wendy said in a frantic voice while getting off her bed.

"N-no!! No I don't need to go! I'm sure it'll stop soon! My throat is probably just sore from screaming today...it'll stop." I said.

"Are you sure? Cause, if it doesn't stop, we're going." She told me.

"If it doesn't stop, we'll go. But...it will."

Wendy sat back down on her bed.

"So...before. When we were in driveway and Kyle said he didn't even touch you...what did he mean?"

I looked at the carpet, while wiping my hand on my sweater.

"Well...I-I thought he was gonna hit me today. So Im scared to be near him right now..."

Wendy gasped.

"Oh, but you know Kyle would never hit you! He cares about you so much!"

"Yeah, well...not lately."

"Well...who do you think broke into your house?"

I didn't say anything for a minute.

Who **DID** I think broke into my house? I don't know...but...maybe...

"Well, there's only one person I'd like to blame, but he's in prison..."

Wendy nodded. She knew who I meant.

"Wendy?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you still like Stan?"

Wendy flipped over on her bed and hung her head from the end.

"I...I dunno. I mean, he's still dating that Tammy girl, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then...no."

"Your such a liar." I giggled.

Wendy blushed.

"Well, he doesn't like me anymore if he has a new girlfriend, so I might as well try to get over him, right?"

"Not really. He could still like you, you know. Maybe Tammy is just his way to try to get over you."  
"Gee, thanks.

"Do...do you think Tammy is a good girlfriend for him, Mattie?"

I looked at her.

"Well, I like Tammy. But, she makes Stan buy her crap, and take her places...he goes overboard with her. So no. Its not healthy the way Stan hangs on her. He's being obsessive."

"Yeah. Ive seen the way he acts around her. He never acted like that around _me_!!" Wendy pouted.

I laughed.

"But that was a good thing! You know Stan doesn't come from money. Tammy doesn't care. She's my friend and all, but she needs to lighten up."

Wendy laughed too.

"Its nice to be able to talk about Stan."

I looked at her.

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, when ever I try to talk about him to my other girl friends, they tell me to get over him and stop talking about him...but you don't care...right?"

"Nah, I don't care. He was my friend and I could talk about all the good times we had." I said with a sad smile.

"What do you mean 'was'?"

"He told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore, today...but, maybe he'll get over it, right?"

Wendy nodded.

"Im sure he will! He cant stay mad very long."

"Well...do you think I'm a grouchy bitch?"

Wendy smiled.

"You have your moments! But so does everyone else in the world. Why?"

"No reason...just wondering."

Wendy's door opened.

"Alright, girls. It's 11 o clock. You have school tomorrow." Said her mom.

"Ok, mom. Good night!"

The door closed.

I set up my sleeping bag, and changed in the bathroom, while Wendy changed in her room.

We got into our designated sleeping areas and Wendy shut the light off.

It was the first time I felt happy this month.

* * *

**Wow, what a retarded chapter ;; this one was worse then the last. Mattie was actually having a good time somewhere! Ah well...she'll be all angsty in the next chapter :3**


	5. The missing's

** Their Fault**

** Sooo sorry for not updating in a long time! School and stuff got in the way, but Im back! Although I totally forgot where I was heading with this story

* * *

**

"God damn it!" I said for the fourth time in under five minutes.

"Cut your self again?" Wendy asked while she picked up more movies from the floor.

"Mmhmmm"

I sucked on my bleeding finger as I picked up more broken glass from the floor.

Wendy and I had gotten to my house around six this morning to start cleaning the damage the intruder had left behind. My aunt wouldn't be home for a few more days, and I still had to replace picture frames, plates and other things.

"I cant work in silence, how about you?" I asked her.

"I was just thinking that." Wendy grinned.

I walked over to my aunts CD player and turned it on.

"What the hell? Its not playing."

"Maybe the volumes off." Wendy suggested.

I twisted the knob but no noise came out.

"Oh fuck me." I said as I started to press all kinds of buttons.

"Whats wrong?"  
"Its broken! Im gonna be in so much trouble! I cant replace this thing, I don't have that much money." I said in a voice of despair.

Wendy walked over to it.

"Maybe its unplugged..."

She checked the wall, but it was plugged in.

"That really sucks."

"No shit."

I walked back over to my garbage bag and continued to throw broken glass into it. I was being careless, and this time when I cut myself, I did it deep. I didn't yell out in pain. Instead I punched the wall. Half in frustration and the other half in anger.

"Mattie!" Wendy yelled. She ran over to me. "What the hell was that for?!"

"I-I don't know! Im so goddamn frustrated! I cant handle anything right now!"

"Theres no need to punch the wall! That's just one more thing we have to fix! And look, you got blood all over it."

"Ugggh I **ALWAYS** complicate things for myself!!!" I yelled, but not at Wendy.

I sat down against the wall and put my uninjured hand up to my head.

"Whats wrong?"

"My eyes are hurting again..." I said, while rubbing my forhead.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it." Wendy offered.

She walked down the hall way towards the door and opened it.

"Oh...hi...Wendy." Stan said

"Hi Stan."

Stan peered in through the door.

"Is, uh... is Mattie here?"

"Yeah, but...shes not in a good mood." Wendy warned him.

"Oh. Well...Kyle told me what happened and I just thought I'd...ya know, talk to her."  
"Hmmm....yeah well, like I said, shes not in a good mood."  
"Wendy? I cant feel my hand...." I called from my place on the floor.

Wendy turned her head and said "Starting to regret that little move, arnt you?"

"What'd she do?" Stan asked, curiously.

"She punched the wall." Wendy sighed.

"What? Why?? Is she ok?" he asked in a worried voice.

"What do you care? She told me about your stupid fight and what you said! You told her you didn't want to be her friend, so why are you here Stan?"

Stan looked at her and then at the floor.

"I...I don't know. When Kyle told me about her house, I got worried, ok? Im allowed to get worried. At least I have feelings, unlike her."

"Stan! That's a horrible thing to say!" Wendy gasped. "You know very well she cares a lot about all of you guys!"

"Yeah, well not lately." He muttered.

"That's not true. Its you guys who havnt been caring about HER lately. Goodbye Stan"

Wendy closed the door.

"Who was it?" I asked.

"No one important, that's for sure." She said in a pissed voice.

I looked at her in a funny way.

"Seems like my bad mood is rubbing off on you."

Wendy laughed.

"Yeah, you never know. It could have. Lets go wrap your hand in something. It looks swollen."

* * *

Wendy left around 2 which gave me enough time to go the store to buy some picture frames and plates.

By the time I got home it was six o'clock. I put the pictures without frames into their new ones, and cleaned the new plates and bowls and put them away in the cabinet. They were similar to our old ones, so I think my aunt might notice. I'll just tell her I broke some and bought new ones.

I trudged up the stairs to my room so I could take a relaxing shower.

The hot water felt good against my tired and aching body and I let out a sigh. It was a long day and I couldn't wait to go to sleep.

I started to wonder how unhealthy it was for me to sleep as much as I do. Why am I so tired all the time? And grouchy?

And lately, why do I feel like there's no reason for living? Nothing feels the same anymore, nothing seems right to me. Life is annoying and so are the people in mine.

I know the answers though. Life is annoying because of **HER**. That **BITCH**. That **INSECT**. And because he's gone.

My eyes started to water, and I couldn't tell which water came from my eyes and which came from the shower anymore.

I unwrapped the gauze that Wendy had wrapped to my hand and let it fall to the bottom of the tub. My hand was ugly again. I remembered the days when I was lucky that my hand DIDN'T look like this. I tried to move my purple blueish fingers. It hurt. And my hand sort of felt like it was asleep but with out the pins and needles part. As odd as that sounds.

I shut the shower off and wrapped a towel around me before walking into my room.

I changed into my pajamas and flopped down on my bed, my unbrushed wet hair clung to my face.

I clung to my pillow and cried.

Was this how Kenny felt? Was it worth it to kill myself like he did?

I started to think of all the good times me and Kenny had had together, and I cried even harder.

"Why'd you leave me Kenny?" I whispered to myself. "Why did you leave me here, alone?"

I shut my eyes and rolled over, letting the last of my tears roll down my face.I lay like that for about ten minutes before I got up and lifted my mattress up a bit.

But the thing I was looking for wasn't there.

I threw my mattress off my bed. Nothing.

I pulled my bed away from the wall, thinking that SOMEHOW, it had fallen when I put it away last time.

But it wasn't there.

"No..." I said to myself. "Why?!"

I sat against my bed and cried again.

My journal, the only thing that had kept me the least bit sane these past few months, was gone. Everything I felt, everything I knew, was in that small book. Everything from over a year ago was gone.

And suddenly I realized how serious my situation was. I wrote **_EVERYTHING_** in that journal. **EVERYTHING**. Who ever has it...knows everything. If they show it to just one person, especially an adult, I'd most likely be sent away to some crazy house. Because my writings sounded a bit suicidal. And murderous.

I continued to tear my room apart searching for my jounal.

"Holy shit, please tell me that I misplaced it! Holy shit...holy shit...holy shit..."

My hands were shaking. My injured hand was killing me, but I had to move things with it. And while in my closet, I had a bunch of crap fall on my head. I knew it wasn't in here. But maybe I was starting to loose my memory and I DID put it in here.

It wasnt there.

It wasn't anywhere.

My stomach was turning and I ran into the bathroom just in time. I got even more scared. Not because of the food I threw up. Because of the blood I had thrown up.

I slowly trudged over to the sink and washed my mouth out. I picked my head up and looked into the mirror. I looked like shit.

I saw a bottle on the counter. My eye ache pills...

I took the bottle into my hand and thought for a minute.

I put it back on the sink.

I didn't want to go as far as Kenny.

Yet.

* * *

My aunt came home early. Sunday morning actually. Around six.

I was asleep on my mattress. I had cleaned my room after the bathroom incident and had fallen asleep on top of the covers. I heard her come in my room, but I didn't say anything to her.

After she closed my door, I sat up and rubbed my head. I was nervous about a lot of things. I hoped she wouldn't notice the plates and picture frames, or the new plants or everything else I had to buy. And what about the stereo...

I lay back down on my pillows until nine o'clock.

I went downstairs but my aunt wasn't there. She was probably sleeping in her room. I opened the freezer to find something to eat. But then I realized that I wasn't hungry, so I closed it.

I walked into the living room and sat down on the couch, but I didn't turn on the T.V. I just sat there and stared at it. I was bored already. But there was no where I could go.

Well...I could go visit some people.

I walked back up to my room and changed my clothes before writing my aunt a quick note and put it on the kitchen table. Then I left.

* * *

I stood in Babyland.

In other words, the part of the cemetery where children and infants are buried.

Technically, Kenny was considered a child since he was only 15 when he died. I stared down at his grave for a long time before I sat down in front of it.

"Hey Kenny."

I waited for a response"

"How's heaven?"

I paused for a minute.

"Oh, that's good. Everythings down the shitter for me, but you could probably see all that from where you are, huh?"

I stopped.

I was fucking crazy.

I stood up quickly and looked at his grave.

"Later, Kenny..." I whispered.

I walked through the rows of graves in the South Park cemetery until I found the row I was looking for.

I sat down again but I didn't start talking to the Mr. Joshua Bond.

There was a weed growing on the side of my dad's grave. I gave it a yank and it came out.

* * *

** Hmm sry for the short chapter. I was actually gonna end it at the bathroom scene but that was only 3 pages**

** So yeah! Hahahaaaa I laugh at Mattie's situations **

** She and Victoria need to have arguments soon or something. I dunno. Anyone wanna give me some ideas on what should happen next? Unless I can come up with something my self lol**


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